Friend Trouble – Part 2

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Photo made on Photofunia.

This is continued from my previous post.

Finding out on Facebook that one of my closest friends of more than 30 years got married and I wasn’t invited to the wedding hit me like a ton of bricks. I don’t know all the details. I don’t know what kind of wedding it was. Maybe it was a tiny wedding and they excluded everybody except family. I don’t know. And Juliane’s not communicating.

If it was a small, private thing, I can accept that I wasn’t invited, despite the fact that my own wedding had been a small, private affair and yet not only was she invited, she was the maid of honour. What really bothers me is that I didn’t even know it was happening. Not even so much as a text message saying, “I’m getting married tomorrow; wish me well.” I could have accepted that. But I knew nothing. And then I found out on Facebook of all places.

There was a time in our friendship when not knowing something like this would have been unthinkable. To me, it still is, and yet I did see the signs that we were drifting apart, I just couldn’t accept them. I am extremely loyal and can be downright deluded about things like this. I don’t ditch my friends, and it doesn’t occur to me that they might ditch me, even though this isn’t the first time someone’s done something like this to me. Now I have to accept the fact that Juliane and I are not as close as I thought we were.

My main problem in all of this is not what you might expect. It’s not the hurt. I can get past the hurt. The main problem is the stress of trying to figure out what to do about the situation. I have a Christmas present I’d already bought and packaged up for her. Do I mail the present? My normal rule of thumb is to err on the side of kindness, but this feels more tricky. I feel like if I send it, I’m making a fool out of myself, like some weak-willed little pansy who can’t take a hint. And I don’t know if it’s even kind to send a gift at this point. If she’s trying to ditch me, sending a gift is just a sign that I’m hanging on when she doesn’t want me to, which might be seen as stalkerish or something. It wouldn’t be the first time someone’s accused me of that.

But if she’s not trying to ditch me, and it was just a small, private wedding that no friends were included in, not sending a gift now when I always have before might be seen as petty and childish. Like, fine, you didn’t invite me to your wedding, so no Christmas gift for you! So there!

Another friend has advised me to confront her. But I really think if I confront her, she and her husband will just think I’m being a drama queen. They already see me as too emotional; any kind of confrontation would just further confirm it. They are both very stoic, tough, confident people who would have little time for such things. When someone screws Juliane over, she just washes her hands of them and moves on.

I really think I’m going to feel horrible no matter what I choose to do. I either feel like a weak-willed fool, a petty jerk, or an overemotional drama queen. Those are my choices. That’s the thing about something like this. Once something like this has been done to me, on an emotional level, I’m screwed no matter how I respond.

It would be easiest to just (to use the trendy term) ghost her. But is that the healthy, mature thing? Probably not. But then I don’t think the way she’s treated me is all that mature either.

And it all makes me wonder, why am I always the one who obsesses about whether I’m doing the right thing, and whether I’m healthy and mature, when other people don’t seem to give their actions a second thought?



14 thoughts on “Friend Trouble – Part 2

  1. I can really relate to this, too. I’ve been in situations like this and I always anguished over them too, right down to ‘why do I always obsess over what’s right, mature…etc.) And I don’t have any advice, either–just an opinion for what it’s worth; maybe send her an email–casual wishing her and Bob well–but don’t send a gift. If she responds, then you have something to go on. If not, you haven’t risked embarrassment or accusations of stalking or being a drama queen.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the feedback. I appreciate it, and am glad to know I’m not the only one who goes through this kind of thing.

      Perhaps I should have mentioned that when I saw the wedding photo on Facebook on Friday, I posted a comment congratulating them and telling her she looked beautiful, but she hasn’t replied to it or clicked like on it, despite the fact that she’s clicked like on other people’s congratulatory comments. Do you still think I should send an e-mail? Or just leave it now?


  2. I’ll add, she knows how you feel, so if she wants to reach out, she will. Maybe she’s going through a lot of adjustments in her life that’ll settle down and in the future, she might return to valuing your friendship, but I’d wait for some sort of message (an email or on FB) from her first before contacting her again. At least for now.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. By the sound of things she’s clearly been moving away from you. Your husband knows you and her better than we do so will likely confirm this. Sometimes my wife feels like she’s being ignored by even her best friend. She feels that she’s a burden to her friend when that’s far from being the case. There is a widely held misconception that Aspie don’t empathise yet it is my experience that they often care and feel others pain a great deal but unlike us NTs they don’t shout about it.
    In this case however it looks like the right thing to do would be to calmly and quietly walk towards the exits. Don’t run and don’t pick up any valuables but merely head towards the nearest emergency exit to safety.
    I hope this doesn’t all eat you up mate

    Liked by 1 person

  4. If it were me I would message her to say “I have a christmas present for you but it feels like you’re starting to become frustrated with our friendship, let me know if you want it”
    It’s difficult and it’s really hard to word it right but in the end it’s better to know, and if she ignores you you know that you don’t need to send it. *hugs* right now she doesn’t seem to be a healthy person to be friends with but if that is Bob’s influence it might be worth not cutting all ties in case he’s manipulating everything.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, there are signs that Bob is manipulative in other ways too. I chose not to go into all that; I didn’t want to go into detail about Juliane’s life, because even if I’m keeping things anonymous here I still feel like those things are her story to tell, not mine, if that makes any sense. But yes, I fear for her now that she’s married to him. I don’t think he’s a good person and I don’t think he has her best interests at heart. These aren’t just sour grapes because of the current situation; I’ve been worried for a long time now.


  5. If it was me I would send her a message on the lines of “It feels like we might be starting to draw apart, I have your christmas present, let me know if you want it.”
    It’s difficult but it’s better to know and if she doesn’t reply you can leave it at that. One thing that might work is swapping to christmas cards rather than presents. It sounds like she’s not a healthy person to be friends with right now but I personally wouldn’t cut all ties, I’d just stop interacting with her until she needs you. You might find that Bob is manipulating this and she’ll eventually realise what he’s done.


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