This is continued from my previous post.
Finding out on Facebook that one of my closest friends of more than 30 years got married and I wasn’t invited to the wedding hit me like a ton of bricks. I don’t know all the details. I don’t know what kind of wedding it was. Maybe it was a tiny wedding and they excluded everybody except family. I don’t know. And Juliane’s not communicating.
If it was a small, private thing, I can accept that I wasn’t invited, despite the fact that my own wedding had been a small, private affair and yet not only was she invited, she was the maid of honour. What really bothers me is that I didn’t even know it was happening. Not even so much as a text message saying, “I’m getting married tomorrow; wish me well.” I could have accepted that. But I knew nothing. And then I found out on Facebook of all places.
There was a time in our friendship when not knowing something like this would have been unthinkable. To me, it still is, and yet I did see the signs that we were drifting apart, I just couldn’t accept them. I am extremely loyal and can be downright deluded about things like this. I don’t ditch my friends, and it doesn’t occur to me that they might ditch me, even though this isn’t the first time someone’s done something like this to me. Now I have to accept the fact that Juliane and I are not as close as I thought we were.
My main problem in all of this is not what you might expect. It’s not the hurt. I can get past the hurt. The main problem is the stress of trying to figure out what to do about the situation. I have a Christmas present I’d already bought and packaged up for her. Do I mail the present? My normal rule of thumb is to err on the side of kindness, but this feels more tricky. I feel like if I send it, I’m making a fool out of myself, like some weak-willed little pansy who can’t take a hint. And I don’t know if it’s even kind to send a gift at this point. If she’s trying to ditch me, sending a gift is just a sign that I’m hanging on when she doesn’t want me to, which might be seen as stalkerish or something. It wouldn’t be the first time someone’s accused me of that.
But if she’s not trying to ditch me, and it was just a small, private wedding that no friends were included in, not sending a gift now when I always have before might be seen as petty and childish. Like, fine, you didn’t invite me to your wedding, so no Christmas gift for you! So there!
Another friend has advised me to confront her. But I really think if I confront her, she and her husband will just think I’m being a drama queen. They already see me as too emotional; any kind of confrontation would just further confirm it. They are both very stoic, tough, confident people who would have little time for such things. When someone screws Juliane over, she just washes her hands of them and moves on.
I really think I’m going to feel horrible no matter what I choose to do. I either feel like a weak-willed fool, a petty jerk, or an overemotional drama queen. Those are my choices. That’s the thing about something like this. Once something like this has been done to me, on an emotional level, I’m screwed no matter how I respond.
It would be easiest to just (to use the trendy term) ghost her. But is that the healthy, mature thing? Probably not. But then I don’t think the way she’s treated me is all that mature either.
And it all makes me wonder, why am I always the one who obsesses about whether I’m doing the right thing, and whether I’m healthy and mature, when other people don’t seem to give their actions a second thought?