Update on Friend Trouble

This is an update to the posts Friend Trouble – Part 1 and Friend Trouble – Part 2.

Juliane has now posted more of her wedding photos so I now know it wasn’t just a family thing. I was deliberately excluded.

Upon further reflection, I don’t think it was just Bob’s influence on her that changed our friendship. I think I am responsible as well. The fact is, I don’t like Bob, and not just because of the obnoxious things he said to me and my husband when he was intoxicated. Since Juliane first met him, she’s been telling me things about their relationship that have raised some major red flags in my mind. I don’t think he’s a good person, I don’t think he treats her well, and I don’t think he has her best interests at heart.

Perhaps one might argue that if I’d been a good friend, I would have warned her. But she was so taken in by him that I knew my warnings would not be heeded and would likely damage our friendship. So I said nothing. But here’s the thing about me: I am a bad, bad actor.

No wonder she didn’t want me at her wedding. I probably wouldn’t have wanted someone who disliked my husband at my wedding either. I was fortunate that all my friends liked my husband. Juliane herself said I’d finally found someone who was worthy of me, and that meant a lot to me. But I’ve always been careful not to say anything about Bob. Like, if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. I’m sure my silence spoke volumes.

My dislike for Bob is truly not based on any mean-spiritedness though. I want Juliane to be happy and I sincerely do wish both of them well. I hope with all my heart that my opinion of the guy is off-base. This is the kind of thing you want to be wrong about.

I wish I could have known how to correctly handle my concern for her and known how to communicate and behave in a way that would be beneficial to her and to our friendship, but I didn’t. So I understand why I was excluded. And even though I can see my part in it, I don’t think there’s any going back. I can’t lie or pretend things, and I think I would have to in order to have a relationship with her now.

Now that I’ve seen that the wedding wasn’t just a family thing, I have complete peace about not sending the Christmas gift I’d already bought for her. That’s what I really needed at this point. Peace about a course of action. I have that now.

There will be radio silence from me until/unless I hear from her.


4 thoughts on “Update on Friend Trouble

  1. So sorry about your situation, it is a hard place to be in. I read your other posts about the situation. They sort of inspired me to work on a post about a friendship that I lost.
    As you say, I’d agree that it would be hard to lie or pretend in order to have a friendship.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m glad you have a sense of peace about it. Finding a sense of perspective is invaluable. I find that so hard, even now. Your posts have made me remember friendships of my own, too–and feelings I didn’t handle nearly as well as you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m sorry to hear this but, at the same time, am glad that you have a definitive answer either way and therefore some form of closure on the matter. It’s always very difficult to stand by and just watch whilst a friend makes what we believe to be such a bad choice in life…but it’s also very very difficult to intervene without ending up looking like the villain anyway. My wife is not good at hiding her feelings about things either but, unlike many, I see it as being one of her attributes. Too many people bullshit with a smile or lie to our faces with an “I’m really happy for you…” I know this must have been a hard time for you but in time you’ll realise that it’s her loss not yours. I hope you are wrong too and that your friend isn’t walking into a bad marriage but, unfortunately I would guess that, if you’re anything like my wife, you’re probably right on the money. Just keep being you though mate. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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