The Hammer Has Fallen

This has been a really hard summer. There has pretty much only been one thing on my mind, and that is my husband’s unstable job situation, knowing he could become unemployed at the end of any month. That’s why I haven’t been blogging; there are only so many times I can write about all that.

But now the hammer has finally fallen. My husband’s last day of work is next week Wednesday. His employer is out of funding. My husband has met with the head of the department and had it confirmed that there is no more work there for him. He has been applying for other things to no avail.

About a month ago, it looked like everything was going to be okay. There was a position that opened up, and the head of the department had asked my husband to apply, implying that he would get it, but when the time came they gave it to another internal candidate who had more seniority. That was devastating, thinking he had something lined up only for it to be yanked away. We have been in situations like that more times than I can count, but it’s devastating every time.

So, if a miracle doesn’t occur before next Wednesday, we will be giving our notice to our landlord and then moving back in with my parents. Words cannot express how much I dread this. It will be even worse than the last time we lived with them, from 2011 to 2013, because they have moved back to a small town where I have a bad history and where there are people who really don’t like me. This is entirely my fault, of course, due to my social cluelessness and my tendency to not control my words when I’m overwhelmed and stressed and hurt (and I did get badly hurt there). There are people there I simply cannot face. I would rather die.

I have been crying for days, and the stress has been causing me and my husband to argue. I have been fighting the inevitability of moving back in with my parents and it has been bothering me how accepting he seems of it. But I think I have reached a point now where I too am resigned to it. I don’t have any fight left in me.

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10 thoughts on “The Hammer Has Fallen

  1. I’m so, so sorry that this has become your situation. Moving back in with your parents as a married couple is stressful under any circumstances, both for you and for them. And I think you are too quick to blame yourself with your previous difficulties with living there; after all, the other inhabitants made no adjustments to how they interacted with you (or so I’m assuming), and made you responsible for EVERYTHING. Truly, why are they off the hook? I’m asking this while keeping in mind that I moved from a city of 1.5 million people to a town of 300, and was subjected to the same micro scrutiny, so I know from personal experience that it doesn’t all fall on your shoulders. They need to step out of the residual high school pettiness and mean-spirited gossip and and stay calm. I am wishing you all good things. You can do this.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I guess that small-town dynamic is the same everywhere, because you certainly nailed what it’s like. Thank you for giving me the benefit of the doubt, but I got caught up in the drama of the place and I know I made mistakes. After I got hurt I talked shit about people and that was not okay. Yes, okay, I admit other people did bad things too (so perhaps I was wrong to write that it was entirely my fault) but I didn’t handle it well at all. I am definitely not an innocent party in the situation.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I think it’s very mature of you to understand how you reacted and to go into this with your eyes wide open. You know that this time around you don’t have to act that way and that you truly know what’s most important, which is integrity. We all grow and change – hopefully for the better. If you feel like you are starting to hear whispers circulating behind you about what happened before, you can say, “I’m sorry for any hurt that I may have caused before. I’m not that person anymore.” That’s all you can do. If the people you encounter can’t say the same, at least you know where you stand and that you have done all you can do to address it. Don’t continue to punish yourself if you have truly changed how you interact with the people in this area, and don’t allow them to guilt you into acting with pettiness again too. Boy, do I EVER get it. Stay strong.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. My BF and I had to live with my parents for awhile and it was very hard on them and us too so I really feel for you. I was thinking the same thing as akiwifreund regarding everything being your fault with those people in your old town. It’s not all your fault–but I’ve had similar experiences too, and I know what you mean about just not wanting to face people I’ve been awkward with or made mistakes with. Maybe if you run into them again you can just acknowledge the awkwardness and kind of diffuse it that way.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I didn’t mean you should apologize to them again–just some sort of an acknowledgement of the awkwardness of seeing them again. But I guess you can just try to avoid them and pretend they’re invisible if you do happen see them. If they call you on it, you can say you were deep in thought. Since they haven’t ‘forgiven’ you they’ll probably just leave you alone too.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Yeah. I try to avoid things, too, but it’s not always possible. Akiwifreund had good advice about not getting drawn back into pettiness and staying strong. My own version of this is to just try not to get emotional and just stay matter of fact when I encounter people who want to make me feel uncomfortable or push my buttons. It’s hard. Anyway, I hope things go well for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I am sorry that this is so hard on you. It is a small town, but living here is still okay (remember, I had a very big, and very public failure here, too – and though I didn’t believe it at first, it is still a good place to live.)

    Liked by 1 person

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