Full of Hate?

hurt
Photo from Photofunia

I am reeling with shock and hurt over something someone said to me today.

I was talking to a relative on the phone about my upcoming move. And because I have the tendency to overshare, I started talking about all my anxieties about living in that small town again.

She snapped at me, “I was hoping that now that you’re older you would have mellowed out, but I can see that you are still full of hate.”

What?! Full of hate? Is that how people see me? Is that how I come across?

I guess perhaps I have sometimes said, “I hate that place.” (I don’t think I said that today though.) But it’s not really hate I feel. It’s dread. And fear. I am afraid of the social atmosphere in that town, because I did not cope well in it in the past. I am afraid of certain people, because they have hurt me before and I don’t feel that they are emotionally safe people for me to be around. I am afraid of finding myself in situations that I won’t know how to handle, and I am afraid of handling social situations wrongly and saying the wrong things and getting into trouble with people. I am afraid of that because it has happened more times than I can count. It is not an unfounded fear.

So I will admit to being fearful. But hateful? I wonder if it’s just this one person who sees me this way, or if others do too.

I am deeply wounded by my relative’s words. What a way to kick me when I’m down.

 

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6 thoughts on “Full of Hate?

  1. I have never felt that you were hateful. Anxious, afraid, overwhelmed? Yes. But hateful? Never. I don’t know what they are taking this from, other than reading you completely wrong. I too have had people hurt me so much that I am full of fear even hearing about them. Do I hate them? No. Have I forgiven them? Yes. Still I am afraid of even being in the same city as they are. Same is true in situations where it was my failure. I never meant to ‘get it wrong.’ I seem to be prone to that. Still I panic at the thought of seeing those involved again. Not hate. Fear. It is a very different thing.

    Though I like the thought of seeing you, I know this move is extremely stressful, and unwanted for you, and I am still praying for you that an alternative option will be given to you.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I get similar reactions from people where they totally have misunderstood my meaning, and yes, it’s engendered enormous anxiety in me. I’ve learned over time and through very painful experience that some people will regard anything negative as hateful or critical, even if it’s put in mild terms. One time, my mother got really angry with me and blurted out, “you’re so rude!” when I was feeling kind of trapped and actually trying to make a joke about it…. But I could see why she felt that way.

    In my own case, at least, I realize I do tend to complain, so with people I’m close to I’ve tried to just stop doing that around them. Maybe with this relative you can try to clarify your feelings, that it’s not hate but fear and dread you’re feeling. I’ve never gotten the feeling from your posts that you’re someone who hates or harbors grudges. Maybe you can ask other relatives and friends if they think you ever come across the way this relative thinks you do.

    Anyway, again, best of luck with moving back. I hope you’re feeling better. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m so sorry. You’ve worked really hard to understand and process your feelings, but my guess is that your relative has not put in the same level of work that you have, and so does not read emotions in other people correctly – aka is not emotionally intelligent. I wish you all good things. Trust yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I would ignore your relative. Of course that is easier said than done. I don’t live in the town I grew up in. I can understand your anxiety about going back.
    Maybe your relative just doesn’t want to hear your truth, it makes her uncomfortable for some reason. I have been through this with my mom sometimes.
    Best wishes to you.

    Liked by 1 person

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