This post’s topic is a rather disgusting one. Sorry. If I’m documenting the difficulties that affect my life, I have to include this.
Yesterday I was at the employment centre for an all-day resume writing workshop. During the lunch break I had to pee so I went to use the centre’s only public washroom. The toilet had urine sprayed all over the seat.
So I didn’t go. I held it all day. And even though I never did sit on the dirty toilet, just having seen it and been near it made me feel contaminated for the rest of the day. It’s a wonder I didn’t vomit. If it had been excrement, I would have vomited for sure. I wouldn’t have vomited into the toilet, either, because I wouldn’t be able to bring myself to get close enough to it to do so. I am guilty of having clogged up bathroom sinks for this reason. I am not proud of that.
I loathe having to use public washrooms so much that if I can get away with it, I try to avoid being away from home all day. It makes my skin crawl, having to use a toilet that countless other people have sat on. And when it comes to bodily waste, I would rather hold it for hours, to the point of extreme discomfort, than use a bathroom that does not meet my cleanliness standards. It’s not even simply a preference. It’s that I can’t do it. I can’t make myself do it. I am so thoroughly disgusted and repulsed that it just can’t happen.
But then, I have hated going to the bathroom my whole life, even in clean bathrooms. My mom says one of my very first words was “stinky” when she was potty training me. A couple years later, I started holding in my excrement for days at a time so I wouldn’t have to see/smell/feel it. My mom started to worry and in desperation told me if I didn’t go, it would come out my mouth. That was the most horrific thing I could possibly imagine and got me willingly going to the bathroom again.
I am pretty much horrified by bodily functions in general. My own, other people’s, even my cat’s. I love my cat more than words can say, and yet I wouldn’t even be able to have her if my husband hadn’t agreed from day one to be the one who cleans the litter box. When I have tried cleaning litter boxes in the past, as soon as I start to bend down toward it, I vomit.
I know this is weird. Expelling bodily waste is a normal, daily part of life. But it is horrific for me. And it’s a horrific thing that I have to experience every single day. There’s no getting away from it. All I can do is try to do it in a way and in a place that is as acceptable and comfortable for me as possible. And that employment centre bathroom did not qualify.