Another one of my work meltdowns happened when I worked in the office of a manufacturing company. I had gotten the job through an acquaintance. She knew a man in her church who was looking for a temporary admin assistant to fill in for someone who was taking a six-month leave of absence, and since I had office skills and training, she put us in touch with each other.
That man did not actually end up being my direct boss. He was the production manager, and my boss was the office manager, but when my boss was absent, he was in charge of me.
My own boss really liked me, and gave me a lot of affirmation. He repeatedly told me how impressed he was with how quickly I picked up the tasks of the job. He said he didn’t think anyone else could have learned it as fast as I did. On the inside, however, I felt like a fraud. Yes, I had learned the tasks, but I couldn’t see the big picture. I was just following instructions, but I couldn’t see why I was doing the things I was doing or how it all fit together. It was like following directions in a recipe and measuring out flour, sugar and cocoa without knowing you’re supposed to be making brownies, or doing a jigsaw puzzle without having a picture of what the finished result should look like.
Also, the whole place was a rather grimy, smelly, noisy environment that made it hard to concentrate. So I was already feeling overwhelmed, and then my boss told me they’d soon be training me on a new task: taking inventory. He took me into the back where there were rows and rows of things like pipes and hoses and rods and I was expected to learn what they all were. They all blurred together in my vision and I thought, “I will never be able to tell all these things apart and remember what they are.”
Meanwhile, I also felt like I was in over my head socially. They asked me if I watched the show Survivor, and said that the day after it aired the bosses and employees got together to discuss it. Back then, unlike now, I didn’t watch much TV. In fact, I lived in a rural area where I couldn’t get cable and only got two over-the-air channels. I said I didn’t (and couldn’t) watch it, and they were very disappointed, as that was part of the social culture there.
After working there for six weeks, one day while my boss was out, the woman who had hooked me up with the job showed up in the office right before lunch time. I had never given her any indication that she could visit me at work; her appearance was totally out of the blue. She asked me to come to a certain restaurant with her on my lunch break. I said, “I can’t, I only get half an hour for lunch and that won’t be enough time to eat at a sit-down restaurant.” Just then, the production manager entered the office. The woman said to him, “You’ll let her have extra time for lunch so she can come out for lunch with me, right?” I hadn’t known she was going to ask him that and I was totally caught off guard. He replied with a kind smile and a gentle voice, “Yeah, of course. Take as much time as you need. Have a nice time!”
The thing is, I didn’t even want to go out for lunch with her. She had a very domineering personality and was difficult for me to be around. I used my lunch time to decompress; the last thing I wanted was social interaction with someone like her during that precious time. But I couldn’t see how I could get out of it at that point. So I went.
When I returned, with my head in a whirl from the social interaction in the middle of my workday, the production manager, to my shock, was angry at me! He yelled at me, “Don’t you ever do that to me again! Using your friend to get extra time for lunch, knowing that I can’t look like an asshole in front of someone I go to church with!”
I said quietly, “I didn’t even want to go out for lunch with her, and I didn’t know she was going to ask you if I could have extra time. That was all her.”
“You must think I’m an idiot!” he yelled back. “But I can see through your schemes! Don’t ever underestimate me again!”
He stormed into the back, and I had my meltdown. I was alone, thank goodness. My meltdowns are less debilitating when they happen in private. However, I was still sniffling a bit when my own boss returned to the office later that afternoon. He asked what was wrong, and I couldn’t think of anything to say other than, “I don’t think I fit in here.” He assured me that I was doing a great job and then went into his office.
That night, I couldn’t sleep. I just kept going over what the production manager had said to me. It wasn’t the first time something like that had happened to me; the fact is, I often get accused of lying or scheming or having wrong motives in things, when the truth is, I don’t even know how to scheme. I completely lack that ability. Perhaps I’d be more successful in life if I could lie and scheme (it seems like the most successful people do it well), but I can’t. My brain is just not wired that way.
The next morning, as I drove to work, I was in an emotional state from the stress and the sleep deprivation and was not thinking entirely clearly. I started praying, “Please God, I don’t want to quit on yet another thing, but I feel like I can’t handle this. Please release me from this job without me having to quit. I can’t do this.”
When I got to work, my boss was waiting for me. “I have some bad news,” he said. “The admin assistant you’ve been filling in for is coming back early. You’ve been an excellent employee, but we have to let you go.”
So, my prayer was answered within minutes, and I was out of a job again.
During that six weeks of working there, however, I had saved up enough money to buy my first computer, and within about a month, I encountered in an online discussion forum the man who would later become my husband. So something good came out of the experience, anyway.